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Monday, May 26, 2008

Reasons Why I Like Me

Today is Memorial Day. It meant 3 social events for me. Yesterday I was brave enough to get on the scale again after about a month's break. I knew my weight was creeping up again, but I was really disappointed with myself when I discovered how far the regression really was. But of course, I could feel it in my clothes and in my body in general. For example, a particular fat roll around my middle had disappeared or at least shrunk, but of course, now it's back. Two of the 3 events planned for today involved trying to look cute in these now-too-tight clothes and 1 involved a swimsuit.

Getting in a swimsuit was just too much for me to even think about on the day after I realized I just gained back most of what I previously lost. I laid in bed for 45 minutes thinking about how I didn't like myself and I just didn't want to go through the day being me at this moment.

Sad, sad, sad!!!!!!!!!

But it's the honest truth. I share it partially to get some blog-therapy and partially because I know I'm not the only one. I'm SICK of hearing all the negative self-talk going on in my brain!!!! It just never ceases! I really like the focus of some fat acceptance blogs which say the goal is size acceptance with a healthy dose of knowing you can change for the better if you want to. And it's why I'm now starting a motivational post that I will keep adding to, in addition to Reasons I Want To Lose Weight, I'm now starting

Reasons Why I Like Me
(that have nothing to do with size!!!!!!!!!!!)
(please read this knowing I'm a girl with a self-acceptance problem not a girl with a bragging problem!)

  1. I have fantastically beautiful kids
  2. I have the unconditional love of my siblings, mom & husband.
  3. I am creative, intelligent and ambitious.
  4. I have gained wisdom from experience, common sense and a good moral compass.
  5. I have a cool heritage that I'm proud of. The toughness & grit of Mormon pioneers on my mom's side and refined European sophistication from my Dad's side (he was born in Sweden.)
  6. I've worked hard to make good choices in my life like giving to and volunteering in my church, making sure I studied & followed Christian principles, being as honest as I can, etc. Am I perfect? No. But being able to say I'm still striving for these things and having stayed largely out of trouble is a pat on my own back I'm willing to give.)
  7. Another reason I'm glad I'm me- I have great memories of traveling a lot growing up. I've been to almost every European country. We lived in Germany & Belgium with my dad in the military & my parents loved to travel & dragged us everywhere. It really shaped who I am today.
  8. I like about myself the way I've changed in the past few years to find a balance between trying to be superwoman and retreating to hermit-hood. I gained a sort of new shade of confidence that involves knowing who I am a little more and being a more self-assured decision-maker.
  9. I'm glad I have an aesthetic eye and I do a good job with clothes, make-up & accessories.
  10. I smile at people when I talk to them. I'm glad I enjoy making people feel like I like them & am interested in them.
  11. I have awesome sexy hair. It's shiny, long, and I can style it in fun ways. I get tons of compliments on it. Instead of discounting the compliments in my mind, I'm now saying, "You know what? I DO have awesome hair. THANKS!!!!!" :)

Sunday, May 25, 2008

For G.G.

G.G., thank you for your comment wondering if I was doing ok & hanging in there!!

It's because of this type of kindness & concern from people in the blogging world who I've never met that I don't give up hope entirely in losing weight. Because actually, the weight loss news is not good at all!! You remember those 12 pounds that came off in the fall? Well, they came back on in the spring. Dang it!!!!!!!!!!! You know, I've been craving salt lately, which is unusual for me. Could it be that the weight gain is just 10 pounds of water retention???

Nah!! Probably wishful thinking because, I've also been craving a lot of candy bars & cookies & basically whatever I could get my hands on. It's nervous-emotional-anxiety-eating. And the other part of the problem is that I can't get myself to believe that actually doing something about the problem (decreasing my portions, paying attention to how many calories or points and saying no to desserts) doesn't amount to a bunch of self-punishment and starvation. Has that ever happened to you when you know the truth and reality with the logical part of your brain, but you just can't see it that way?

I also have to share that today, I was asked to teach the Sunday School class for the 12-17 year old girls. The topic was on appreciating your heritage & passing on a rich heritage to your future children. One of the quotes came from an address from one leader in my church, Jeffry R. Holland, that said, "Be a woman of Christ. Cherish your esteemed place in the sight of God. He needs you. The Church needs you. The world needs you." It turns out that a larger topic in the address was on body image. Some passages were so touching to me, that I'd like to share some of them with you. The text in its entirety can be found here.

"[We] have no motive except to bless your life and to spare you every possible heartache we can spare you... I plead with you young women to please be more accepting of yourselves, including your body shape and style, with a little less longing to look like someone else...Every young woman is a child of destiny and every adult woman a powerful force for good. I mention adult women because... you are our greatest examples and resource for these young women. and if you are obsessing over being a size 2, you won't be very surprised when your daughter... does the same and makes herself physically ill trying to accomplish it. We should all be as fit as we can be... That means eating right and exercising and helping our bodies function at their optimum strength. We could probably all do better in that regard. But I speak here of optimum health; there is no universal optimum size...
"In terms of preoccupation with self and a fixation on the physical, this is more than social insanity; it is spiritually destructive, and it accounts for much of the unhappiness women, including young women, face in the modern world."
When I was preparing to give this lesson last night, I was tearing up because the message was one I still had to learn. How do we learn this? I think some of the weight would probably leave me without much struggle if I could learn how to accept myself, strive for optimum health and not fixate on my mistakes or physical flaws. How do I see myself and love myself like my mom loves me, like my husband loves me, like God loves me?

It's a goal. Something worth striving for every day. But it sure does help when there really are the people that love you & are rooting for you.

G.G., you don't even know me! I know you didn't intend your comment to be much more than a casual "hey, where'd you go?" But it really made my day. I'm sending some good vibes & karma back at ya.

P.S. If you ever want to know if I'm alive or not, feel free to visit my other blogs: Something Beautiful or Humorous and Eli & Mia's Virtual Scrapbook. Life goes on in those blogs, even when I'm not losing weight. *wink* :)